agent-crayne.txt

title:Agent Crayne's Personnel File
[[div style="float:right; margin:0 2em 1em 2em; width:200px; border:0;"]]
|||| [[image Agent_Crayne.jpg width="200px"]] ||
||||~ ^^Agent Crayne perusing the mission brief for the retrieval of SCP-████^^ ||
[[/div]]

**Name:** Agent Crayne

**Security Clearance:** Level 2

**Current Assignment:** Mobile Recovery Team Alpha-Sigma-X ("//It does what?!?//")

**Position:** AEDS (Anomalous Effects Deduction Specialist) i.e. the guy who gets to touch it/him/her.

**Psychological profile:** Subject enjoys writing profiles for social networking sites that include the words 'garden gnome', 'mustache', 'pirates' and 'impedance values'. God knows why. He filled out the Foundation intranet blurb about himself with: "Agent Crayne is fed two live squirrels each day, one wearing a small sombrero custom-made out of spun sugar, the other slathered in Crisco.[[footnote]]Superglue works in getting the hat to stay on. Earlier attempts at getting the sombrero to stay on using bubblegum, spackle, tacks, nails and welding met with disastrous though sometimes tasty results.[[/footnote]]"

Subject is fairly intelligent[[footnote]]Subject's IQ measured as being squarely between plankton and me.[[/footnote]], as shown by his ability to correctly identify his left hand as such. He can type up reports in time to avoid a reprimand from his handler, but often fills out pages with lore ipsum copy-pastes and doodles of yams. Yes, yams.

Subject does not work well with others due to a severe case of being a total bastard[[footnote]]See incident report Prs-I.658/L. All victims eventually recovered, but the pool table was a total write-off.[[/footnote]].

**Employment history:**

||~ From ||~ Till ||~ Assignment ||~ Position ||~ CL ||~ Notes ||
|| 2000 || 2002 || Site-17 Base Security || Generic Uniformed Minion || 1 || Promotion after the ██████ incident and the resulting containment breach of SCP-████||
|| 2002 || 2007 || MRT Beta-13 ("//Sons of Eugene//") || Junior Recovery Agent || 1 || Transferred after Agent ████████ filed a formal complaint against Agent Crayne for abuse of Foundation-issued equipment[[footnote]]Apparently, that is NOT where a taser should go.[[/footnote]]||
|| 2008 || 2011 || MRT Mu-Mu-Z ("//Raiders of the Lost Carpark//") || Senior Recovery Agent || 2 || Asked for transfer after bringing in SCP-████||
|| 2011 || - || MRT Alpha-Sigma-X ("//It does what?!?//") || Anomalous Effects Deduction Specialist || 2 || ||

**Objects and entities recovered by Agent Crayne:**

[[table]]

[[row]]
    [[cell style="width: 100px;"]]**Designation**[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]**Title**[[/cell]]
    [[cell style="width: 600px;"]]**Notes**[[/cell]]
[[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-281]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]The Snooze Alarm[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	I rewrote this after it became eligible for deletion. Unfortunately, I managed to come up with something that was almost identical in concept to [[[SCP-1979]]] by [[user Drewbear]], so I had to rewrite the rewrite. Also really f**ked up the object class initially due to me misreading the [[[scp-object-classes|Object Classes]]] article. The final version, as visible on the wiki right now, is much more true to the initial article.
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]
[[/row]]

[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-1114]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]What A Dummy[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	My first article for the wiki. I'm not sure how I came by the concept, but the visual I was working from was that of an engineer looking on from a control room as the latest model from car manufacturer X was tested in a frontal crash scenario. As the car hit the mark and the dummy inside was crushed by the steering column, he felt his legs twist, snap, break and crush beneath him. As [[user bbaztek]] later commented, the dummy would be a torturer's wet dream.
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]	
[[/row]]

[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-1119]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]Father Goose[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	The horror here comes from the fact that this is a man who has never had physical contact with anyone after his father died because he touched the infant after his birth at home. His mother sheltered him; she nursed him, home-schooled him and kept him from the outside world. She warned him that physical contact was death and destruction, something that would land him in hell. Anything to stop him from absorbing more people. Of course, there were accidents. They were covered up as well as possible by mother. But when she finally died, leaving SCP-1119 alone in a world full of people who were potential victims, he saw no way out but to remove himself from that world. The Foundation is like his mother, we shelter him and keep him safe. As long as we don't send D-Class in there to pat him on the head, that is...
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]	
[[/row]]

[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-1121]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]The Skinning Disease[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	As I said in the comments, this one started with a visual of an darkened, dank room. A black and white television set sends flickering bouts of white stroboscopic light through the space, stutteringly illuminating a figure sitting in an old chair. As we watch, it becomes apparent he's slowly pulling long strips of skin off his left arm. [[user Smapti]] and [[user bbaztek]] provided feedback that made this one all the better. The concept was that a species whose planet was dying sent out meteors containing organic terraforming materials. One landed on earth, but was buried too deeply to function as designed (or maybe more landed and DID do something; maybe insects aren't a natural part of our ecosystem but were affected by SCP-1121 too). When we unearthed the meteor, SCP-1121 finally got a chance to do its job and started transforming the creatures it found into their intended forms.
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]	
[[/row]]

[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-1125]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]Answer Dice[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	This too began with a visual. That of man gasping for breath as he kept asking a magic 8-ball if he should breathe. The 8-ball kept saying 'No.' I changed it to answer dice because that worked better (magic 8-balls have a wider range of answers), but the basic idea is the same. 
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]	
[[/row]]

[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-1130]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]A Handy Shortcut[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	I wrote this one after another user put up an anomalous citymap for critiqueing. I told him it was too much LOLFoundation to work as it was then presented, but it was placed on the wiki without any real alteration. It tanked, but it'd given me an idea for an anomalous wayfinding machine that printed maps letting people take a shortcut. If only it wasn't through a fucked up pocketdimension where a sound is continually behind you and every room, hall and tunnel you take is decrepit, moldy and dank. I pictured the inside of a U-Boat, old hospital wards, abandoned mineshafts and I saw this emaciated guy running as fast as he could. Behind him, every step of the way, was the sound of gnashing teeth. Until finally, after more than three weeks stuck trying to outrun something that couldn't be outrun, he snapped. He pulled his own teeth out, convinced they were causing the sound he'd been trying to flee day after day, hour after hour...
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]		
[[/row]]

[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]][[[SCP-1142]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]A Cry for Help[[/cell]]
    [[cell]]
    	[[collapsible show="+ Level 4 Security Clearance required" hide="- Level 4 Security Clearance required"]]
    	Originally I had this idea where Nazi's were trying to escape the Allies through some sort of portal technology and ended up in the wrong place, in the wrong time. I wrote a few drafts, including one where we'd built an oil rig over some deep sea location where APCs occasionally surfaced from a portal. That didn't work out very well, so I mulled it over a bit and eventually came up with the idea that ended up as SCP-1142. In a timeline/alternate reality, the wartorn world is fucked as something begins tearing up Europe, ripping apart Germany's population and forces. If left unchecked, all life on earth will be either destroyed or subjugated by the beings the Nazi's tried to manipulate in joining forces with them in their bid for world supremacy. The final solution, implemented in Sobibor, opens a portal in the form of a sinkhole and out of that dark abyss comes a rolling tide of gibbering horrors, rolling over Axis territory like an unstoppable force. In the end, cornered and about to be destroyed utterly by the powers they sought to control, a few select Wehrmacht officers attempt to use the same gating technology they used to seal their doom to find other realities to escape to.
    	[[/collapsible]]
    [[/cell]]		
[[/row]]

[[/table]]

**Entries for the Foundation Employee Creative Writing Pool:**

[[table]]
[[row]]
    [[cell  style="width: 200px;"]] **Title**[[/cell]]
    [[cell]] **Comments**[[/cell]]
[[/row]]

[[row style="vertical-align: top"]]
    [[cell]] [[[the-longest-ride|The Longest Ride]]][[/cell]]
    [[cell]]A story about what happens when you absolutely, positively need to have a package delivered first thing in the morning. Especially if it has to be delivered to a certain party with a three-letter abbreviation.[[/cell]]
[[/row]]

[!--
! EMPTY ROW TO USE BETWEEN EACH ENTRY IN TABLE:
[[row]][[cell]][[/cell]][[cell]][[/cell]][[/row]]
--]

[[/table]]

**Send Agent Crayne a message:**

[[html]]
<script type="text/javascript">

function doErase()
{

    document.getElementById("message").value = "";
    
}

function doAction()
{

    var message = document.getElementById("message");
    var rawMessage = message.value;
    rawMessage = rawMessage.replace(/[^\w\s]/gi, "");

    var response = document.getElementById("response");
    var items = rawMessage.split(" ");
    var returnMessage = "";
    
    message.value = "Type your message here...";

    for (x = 0; x < items.length; x++)
    {
    
     keyword = items[x].toLowerCase();

     if (keyword == "bastard")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "Yeah, I know. It says so right on the page.";
    
     }
    
     if (keyword == "sombrero")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "I tried having him wear a bowler hat made from edible underwear, but that was just icky.";
    
     }
    
     if (keyword == "crisco")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "I have no idea why I like that stuff so much";
    
     }
    
     if (keyword == "pool" || keyword == "Prs-I.658/L")
     {

     returnMessage = "I told them not to do it, but would they listen? Ask the pool table, it'll tell you.";
    
     }
    
     if (keyword == "squirrel")
     {

     returnMessage = "They're so cute. Especially the ones with the foaming mouths.";
    
     }
    
     if (keyword == "SCP-1114" || keyword == "1114")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "The first skip I brought in. You should have seen the guy it affected. His face had basically caved in on itself, right there in the monitoring room. I'm not sure what was worse, the sight of Mr. Ground Beef or the smell of his colleagues' vomit.";
    
     }

     if (keyword == "SCP-1119" || keyword == "1119")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "Oh, that guy. Yeah, sucks to be him. Can you imagine never having been kissed? Or even smacked by your dad? Hell, it surprised me it took him so long to take his own life.";
    
     }

     if (keyword == "SCP-1121" || keyword == "1121")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "Let me just say I have been stepping on every damn insect I see ever since dealing with that shit.";
    
     }

     if (keyword == "SCP-1125" || keyword == "1125")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "I'm indecisive enough in my personal life without those things fucking everything up, thanks.";
    
     }

     if (keyword == "SCP-1130" || keyword == "1130")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "Yeah, Google Maps from hell. It's amazing we didn't lose more civilians to that nightmare.";
    
     }
    
     if (keyword == "SCP-1142" || keyword == "1142")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "And there I was, back in Germany. We get there and this thing is just bumping into the wall time and time again. The farmer that owned the barn was yelling at us in German, the bomb squad guys were yelling at us in broken English, such fun.";
    
     }

     if (keyword == "SCP-281" || keyword == "281")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "Wasn't there for the actual recovery, but from what I hear the guy up in that cabin was a total survivalist conspiracy nut. Like Jimmy. But don't tell Jimmy, he'll just get riled up.";
    
     }
    
     if (returnMessage == "")
     {
    
     returnMessage = "I have no idea what you're talking about.";
    
     }

    }
    
    response.innerHTML = returnMessage;
    
}
</script>
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<input type="button" value="Send" onClick="document.getElementById('response').innerHTML = 'MESSAGE SENT - PROCESSING...'; setTimeout('doAction()',5000);"><br>
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<textarea id="response" cols="50" rows="5" style="background-color: black; color: #2FF120; font-size: 10pt; font-family: courier new;">Your response will appear here.</textarea>
[[/html]]